Am I Ready for Sex?

Decisions about sex are very personal. They’re based on your values, your relationships, and your desires. Some people decide not to have sex with anyone before marriage, others limit sex to people they are in a serious relationship with, and others really enjoy a one-night stand every once in a while. These are all good decisions as long as everyone wants the same thing.

It can help to think about why you want to have sex. You may want pleasure, intimacy, or love. You may be curious, or sex may just sound like fun. But sometimes people consider having sex because they feel pressured by the partner or friends. Some may even be worried that a partner will break up with them if they don’t have sex.

There’s no one right answer about when to have sex or who to have sex with. What’s important is that you’re choosing to have sex because you want to, not because you feel pressured or think it’s something you’re supposed to do.

How do I know if this is the right person?

Sharing your body with someone can be exhilarating, but it can also make you feel very vulnerable. You may worry about how you look, how you smell, or if you’re “doing it right.” Your partner should be someone who eases your concerns and makes you feel safe and respected. That doesn’t mean you have to have known this person for a long time. It just means you have to be comfortable with them.

It’s normal to feel a little nervous about having sex with someone, especially if you haven’t had sex with them before. But there’s a difference between feeling nervous and feeling afraid, pressured, or deeply uncomfortable. Think about how this person makes you feel. Can you imagine being naked in front of them? Do you trust them to be kind if something awkward or embarrassing happens? Do you feel like you can say “no” or “stop” without worrying about how they’ll react?

One way to judge whether you’re comfortable enough to have sex with someone is to try talking to them about sex. Talking about sex has the potential to be awkward, but it’s really important. You can talk about what you each do and don’t want to do. You can talk about when you might want to do it and where. You can talk about protection, whether that’s condoms, birth control, or PrEP. You can also tell your partner what feels good and how you like to be touched.

Being able to talk about these things—and feeling like your partner is listening and cares about making you feel good—is a pretty good sign that you’re comfortable with each other. If your partner brushes you off or makes you feel stupid for bringing up these topics, think about whether this is someone you really feel comfortable having sex with.

What if I’m ready for some things but not others?

That’s okay. Tell your partner and be specific. You absolutely get to decide what you will and won’t do. Some people are comfortable with oral sex but don’t want to have penis-in-vagina sex. Others may decide they want the exact opposite. You get to choose what you’re comfortable trying, and your partner needs to respect that. That goes in reverse too: if your partner isn’t comfortable with something you want to do, you must respect that.

What if I change my mind?

That’s okay. You always have the right to change your mind about what you want to do. As you get more comfortable with your partner, you might choose to do things that had originally been off the table. Or you might try something and decide it’s not for you. Tell your partner you’ve changed your mind. Be honest and specific. Your partner should respect your wishes.

If you are saying no to something you tried before, your partner may feel hurt or embarrassed or worried that they just weren’t good at it. Try to be gentle an sympathetic when you tell them: “I’m glad we tried shower sex last week, it was quite an adventure. I don’t really want to do that again, though, I’m not that flexible and I kept getting cold. Can we have sex on dry land this time?”

How do I know if my partner wants to have sex?

The easiest way is to ask them. If this is a new partner and you’re not sure where you stand, start with honesty: “I’d really like to have sex with you, are you feeling ready?” If you’ve had sex many times before and it’s just a question of timing, you could say something playful like, “I’m kind of horny, do you have any free time later?”

Asking is the best way to make sure you and your partner are on the same page and have both given consent. Consent doesn’t always have to be verbal, you can certainly give each other physical cues that you want to get going and keep going, but checking in with your partner before and during sex is a good idea.

One other note on consent. A lot of sexual experiences involve alcohol. Drinking can help people shed some of their inhibitions and feel more confident to ask for—or say yes to—sex. This is okay but sometimes alcohol can lead people to make decisions they wouldn’t make sober. Keep checking in with your partner (and yourself) and pause if you think either of you are too drunk to be able to give consent. If someone is stumbling around and slurring their words, this isn’t the time for sex. 

How do I protect myself from STIs and pregnancy?

Most sexual behaviors—except for mutual masturbation—could expose you to sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Only penis-in-vagina sex can cause pregnancy. Whatever type of sex you’re having, there are a lot of ways to protect yourself and your partners.

Condoms during vaginal and anal sex can help prevent STIs. They are really good protection against STIs like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV that are spread through bodily fluids. Condoms also offer some protection against STIs like HPV and herpes that can spread through skin-to-skin contact. But they don’t cover all of the skin where sores or warts might appear.

People who are likely to be exposed to HIV may want to consider pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), which involves taking medication to prevent infection. (Check out our PrEP section.)

If you are a couple having p-in-v sex, there are so many ways to prevent pregnancy—from condoms to pills to IUDs. (Check out our contraception section for more.)

What if one of us is a virgin?

We don’t like the whole concept of virginity. The word virgin is used to describe someone who hasn’t “had sex,” but sex can be so many things. Historically, people have used the word virgin to mean someone who has never had penis-in-vagina sex. But many couples choose to do other things, like just oral sex, and some couples can’t have p-in-v sex because together they have two penises or two vaginas. Does that mean they’re still “virgins”? 

What we really don’t like, though, is that people place a value on virginity. Lots of people in this country went through abstinence-only programs in middle school or high school. These programs told women that it was important to be a virgin or no one would want to marry them. At the same time, movies and TV told boys that being a virgin was embarrassing. Whether or not you’ve had sex does not define you as a person. No one should make you feel bad about it one way or another.

So, the answer to your question is that nothing changes if one or both of you have not had sex yet. You should still talk to your partner openly, you should still get and give consent, and you should still talk about prevention. You might be a little more anxious the first time because doing something new can feel scary. Tell your partner that too. Being honest with the people around us can often make us feel a little less nervous.